Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
