The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
