I wish I could punch you in the face.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
