Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
