I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
