went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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