she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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