You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
