The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
