I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
