she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
