They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
