I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
