My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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