Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
COCAINE IS GR8
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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