she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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