Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
