I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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