when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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