now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
