my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
