Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
