our cab driver is having phone sex.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
