You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
