Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
