Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
