I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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