the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize