I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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