Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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