My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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