you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
