WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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