I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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