to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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