Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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