When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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