What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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