I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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