Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
