His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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