She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.