So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.