how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
