Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
