next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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