i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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