so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
