No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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