My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
