my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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