even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
