My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
