So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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