so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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