I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
