I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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