yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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