If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
